Wife, mommy, diabetic....my sanity is missing!!!

Goodness I have no idea where to begin.

Thursday at work was hell on wheels. Backstory, I do home health with 2 guys in one apartment. One guy is super quiet, needs minimal assistance. Just perfect. The other guy is very very agitated constantly, Always worrying about who's coming in that night, going next door (they take him to another apartment when they have to take guy #1 to the doctor. he HATES it, yet they still do it). So Thursday they took guy #1 to the doctor and guy #2 went next door. Of course when I got in at 2pm, he was wound up from that. I managed to semi calm him for my shift. Later that night, he was at it again. I tried to redirect him to something else. He wasn't having it. He began screaming. LOUDLY.  He got violent with himself. Hitting himself in the head. I called my team leader and ask basically, "The fuck do I do????" I've never dealt with that before. According to them, it's a common thing with him :look But he's never attacked staff.

Last night was 10 times worse then Thursday. Same shit happened. This time he was even more violent with him self. Had 3 different instances where he attacked himself in the head about 5-10 times. I freaked out and called my team leader in tears. I hid in the bathroom while he went about the apartment screaming. Blood curdling screams. I texted J until my team leader got there and tried to calm down. After my shift, I talked with the team leader and told her what happened. She said she'd speak to the administrator about it and see if there's anything they can do about it. He's already heavily medicated (Lithium, Klonopin, and other antipsychotics).

If this keeps up, I don't know how much longer I can work with them if they don't move me. I can't just sit there an watch him do that and pray he doesn't come at me.

*whew* I feel better.

There is a lady by the name of Tia that I met here at Fort Lewis over a year ago. I actually met her on Twitter before I PCS'd here. I've grown to know and love her over this past year. She's truly an amazing friend, mother, and wife.  Recently she's started blogging at www.remarkabletia.com and selling Mark.


She invited me to come to a meeting that she was attending with her mentor. After seeing everything they had to offer, I was sold.

I am officially a Mark. representative. The products are very affordable, the start up cost is low, and the products are not tested on animals.

I haven't blogged in a while but I figured I better post a short one.

Things have been pretty calm and less hectic. We worked hard after my husband got home from his last deployment to save and get him a car. So I have been getting out and visiting friends more and just being able to get up and go without coordinating with his crazy work schedule.

I have also branched into a new adventure thanks to a fellow good friend. I'm not ready to say what it is just yet. Once I have everything in my hands, I will definitely tell what it is. I'm excited and a little nervous cause it's something new that I've never done before. My husband is supporting me 100% and I can't thank him enough.

Until next time....

So much for doing things for me. I've been wanting to go to Zumba class forever. I haven't made it to one in two months. It's at 1630 and J gets off at random times. This whole one car issue is really getting to me.Yet, I don't think we can swing two car payments plus insurance and still have money for other things. J thinks we can but I digress.

Anyways. I've been a ball of mess.. I'm not sure what's going on with my emotions but they are out of control. Everything and almost everyone gets on my nerves. I'm always quiet so I don't snap or go off on anybody. I haven't checked my sugar in days.
I had an infusion set on for 5 days straight when it's only supposed to be on for 3. McKenzie's room is a mess because someone (not me) let her eat popcorn in her room and she turned the bowl over. It's been there for days and I don't care about picking it up when I specifically said I didn't want her eating in her room.

Yesterday, J wanted to go and look at houses. I didn't. I told him before he took his nap (must be nice) that I had to wash McKenzie's hair and I wanted to flat iron mine.  It took me two hours on McKenzie's hair and I had no energy to do mine.

Today, I had planned on going the the commissary and Target. Nothing special, I just wanted to get out the house. He gets home at 0800 for PT and asks if I'm going cause he has to pick up 2 people before he heads to work. So I start to get myself AND McKenzie ready so *I* can put the carseats in the truck and arrange it so he can pick up whoever. So I just say fuck it cause I'm in a pissy mood cause *I* am the one rushing to get us all ready and out the door by 0845. Then he starts on how if I knew I wanted to go then I should've been ready to begin with. Really? Maybe if I had some help to do some things, then we could be ready in time.

I'm just so frustrated with trying to do everything and make sure we're out the door on time so he won't be late. Wednesday, I have a counseling session at 0900 and I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to get Kenzie to daycare and him to work and me to the appointment.

I'm just so tired of feeling defeated.

It's been so long since I've blogged, it's ridiculous. But I said I would try to get back into blogging and getting things off my chest.

I'm stuck back in this rut and I have no idea how to get out of it completely. I'll go in it, come out for a week or two, and then somehow get back in it again. So weird and crazy. 


Tonight, McKenzie didn't take a nap until 17:00 after she had an early dinner. Now she's up and weird. My husband decides he's going to sleep at 20:00. Guess who gets to stay up with the munchkin? That's right. Little ole me. Unfortunately, I'm used to this happening. However, just because I'm used to it doesn't mean I wouldn't like a break.

For instance, today we ordered pizza for dinner. I went, alone mind you, to get it. I also went to the Dodge dealer and looked at the 2011 Dodge Durangos, which are super sexy. I digress. ANYWAYS, I get a text asking, "Where are you? McKenzie keeps asking for you." Really? She asks for her daddy every morning she wakes up and he's gone to work. Guess who deals with that? Yep, me. While my husband was watching the football game, I brought my MacBook to the couch and browsed for free eBooks. However, I couldn't have any silence without someone calling my name or mentioning something or another.

It's just frustrating. I barely can bathe in peace. Forget about taking an actual bath and getting to soak for 30 minutes or an hour. I don't get a day off. I don't get a sick day. I don't get vacation. Sometimes, actually, all the time, I wish I worked a regualr job so I could have a reason to relax on the couch, do limited to no housework, and still take care of a child.

Somedays I don't even want to think straight. Let alone run this house.

What I would give for 48 hours of complete and utter silence.

I told her I asked J to make our bed up. He had no idea where our sheets were. We've lived here 6 months! Goodness gracious. I just can't win sometimes.

This is going to be a random post.

I'm a member of a few Military Support boards. One in particular is what I'm going to talk about.

They had a thread on tipping. Then a spin-off thread of tipping the commissary baggers. The commissary baggers work for TIPS ONLY.

There were a few wives who were so deadset against tipping. This quote blew my mind:

"I refuse to tip them and let them live off my husband's hard earned and TAXED money, while they remain undocumented and don't have to report what they earn. It just bothers me.."


HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU JUST UP AND GUESS THAT THEY ARE UNDOCUMENTED??

I swear the stupidity of some people blow my mind. I'm not against tipping ANYONE who provides a service for me. A tip is also EARNED. The better the service from you, the better the tip from me.

I also make sure to tip the baggers. Especially if i have my daughter with me. I'm focusing on getting her into the car. They can do my bags and I will accommodate accordingly. 

End of my rant for today. And no I'm not talking about anybody in particular. And if you're thinking I'm talking about you (general), get off your fucking high horse and duck a sick (Thanks for that, Tia!)

It's been 5 years since I decided I wanted to become a nurse. Yet, 4 years later, I haven't made any progress towards that goal. I can't go back to school because we can't afford it. Between daycare and the tuition, we'd be under water before the sun went down for the day.

Resent.

I was asked by my husband to watch one of his friend's kids so the guy's wife could go to training for her new job.

More resent.

I'm not sure I'm cut out for this SAHM/SAHW stuff. It's like I spend my day yelling and screaming at two kids. My husband said he understands but I honestly don't think he does. No matter how I try and explain it, it never comprehends to him like it does in my head.

*sighs deeply*

I pray things get better cause I'm sick of hating the decisions I've made.

I've been sitting on this blog for way too long. Letting things brew and fester and go sour. My friend Rain wrote a post and it's basically forcing me to talk about what's been bothering me for so long.

Essentially speaking, I'm bored.

I have no job. I'm taking a coding class yet I haven't actively done anything in over a month. I have nothing to do everyday except cook and clean. I'd literally kill to be working right now. I'd kill quicker to be in school working on a degree I've wanted for the past 5 years. I so envy those moms who can work or go to school with a toddler. I'm so fucking jealous of that. It's pitiful when I'm looking forward to going to a damn doctor's appointment.

I have to wake up at the asscrack of dawn (usually 6am) just to get some quiet time alone to myself. Jeremy leaves at 0530-0545 and McKenzie sleeps til 0800. I hate that I can't enjoy sleeping til 0800 with her. I'm lucky if I can get a 10 minute shower to myself.

My diabetes is suffering like hell cause of this funk I'm in. That's the last thing that should be suffering but oh well *shrugs*

This came in the mail today. I instantly started smiling.

For those who follow me on Twitter or are fairly close to me know how much this means to me. I've been waiting to see if I could possibly switch from OmniPod to the MiniMed Paradigm Revel since the MM's reservoir is 100u's bigger than the OmniPod's 200u Pod capacity. Fellow Army wife, diabetic,  and friend, Cherise, told me that TriWest would gladly approve it because they dislike the OmniPod system. She was right :) Now the suspenseful wait begins as the when I actually receive my new pump.

My husband is home. That's all that matters to me right now. Yes, his deployment was alot shorter than others BUT it was still a deployment.

Some people slay me with the things they say yet none of that makes a difference in my world. All the name brand things won't keep me warm at night. My husband will. My family means more to me than any material thing ever could.

Alot of units here have been getting their dates of return pushed back. I've dealt with that too during this deployment. It's part of the Army's unwritten motto: "Hurry up and wait." It's what we as wives signed up for. No, I'm not saying that complaining isn't allowed or tolerated. But there's only so much that complaining will do.

I'd give up all my purses if that meant he'd never deploy again. Yes, I'm THAT serious.

ETA: And if your every status or FB is complaining about something or another that you can't control, well maybe you need to step back and look in the mirror and see WHY you are complaining.

I'm trying out a new Blogger app out on my Hero. Hopefully I like it.

I talked to my husband yesterday. We discussed alot and we seem to have a pretty good plan to deal with our misunderstandings. It's weird how some days I can love him more than my heart can hold. Then other days I can hate him as much as I hate my ex's.

4 years together, 3 years married in September. It takes work. Lots of work to make a marriage work and keep it together. Yet it worth every minute of hard work

I spoke with my husband today on Yahoo messenger. And we have his official date. FINALLY! This date has been changed so many times over the past month it's not even funny. But it wouldn't be the Army if it was set in stone.

I can count on 3 hands how long it will be before my husband will be in my arms.

I can't begin to remember when the last time I'm was truly happy.

I take that back. Last time I was truly happy was when my daughter ran into my arms after not seeing me for months.

Before that, I have no earthly idea.

I'm tired of catering to everyone else. Fucking tired. Let my husband tell it, nothing I do is right. I'm constantly fucking up with something.

He's coming home in a few weeks and I can honestly and truly admit that I'm not looking forward to it. Of course, I want him home safe and our daughter wants her daddy.

I've been in Tennessee exactly 10 days. And I want to go home. I'll be here another 5 days to make matters even worse.

Why is that you ask?

I missed my flight. And also because as soon as I set foot in Tennessee, I was waiting on my husband to say something related to my past fuck up which has led us to where we are now.

I started seeing a counselor this month. Only have had one session so far. Honestly, I doubt it's gonna work but whatever. My husband wanted me to do it and I did for him.

I'm slipping back into a depression. And honestly, I don't even care that I am going back down that road again.

This will be a somewhat short post.

HOWEVER.

I want to say that I am very thankful an d gracious for all those who serve, have served, and have given their life to serve our country.

My husband is one who is serving. Going from the Tennessee National Guard to the active duty US Army, he has made me very proud.

By serving our country, he has missed alot of our marriage. When I was pregnant with McKenzie, Jeremy was in OSUT at For Leonard Wood, MO. He missed half of that. When I got my induction date, he was at Fort Dix, NJ preparing for his first deployment two months out of training. Luckily he didn't miss her birth. He was in Iraq the first year of our marriage and the first year of her life. I am grateful for him and the sacrifices he's made to provide for us. He is currently on tour number 2 and will be home soon. But never soon enough.



There are those who have been injured or KIA and my prayers are definitely with the families dealing with the loss of their loved ones.